Drinking Wisdom
by daughterleilani1
Summary: Drinking sometimes can clear your head.


Lightning

Strikes Every Time She Moves

Everybody's Watching Her

But She's Looking At You

Chakotay tapped on the countertop to signal the bartender for another whiskey sour. He leaned to the side, hip against the bar, and tugged at his too tight collar as he surveyed the room. The ballroom was still decked out for Christmas. Red poinsettias and oversized fabric bows dotted the pristine space. Gold curtains with tassel pulls partially concealed the two story windows and doors leading to the balcony and the pristine lawns of Starfleet Headquarters. Admirals and dignitaries of every type swayed along to the music of the string quartet set up in the far corner from the bar. The collar of Chakotay's tuxedo was stifling in the warmth of hall.

The bartender set his drink on the counter with a clink and Chakotay shot it back with two swallows. Tapping the counter for another, he couldn't help but notice all the glances across the hall from crewmembers, brass, reporters, and family members. Every time he made eye contact with anyone, they would glance away from him and stare at the base of the staircase on the far wall. And he'd be damned if he would stare that way too. Turning fully to the bar, he tried to forget her grand entrance. A black ball gown, tight in just the right places, flowing over her hips in a graceful swell to the floor. The perfect combination of satin and lace detail scooped carefully over her chest to be alluring, but not revealing. And when she turned to the side, the back of the dress showed a large expanse of her back. Damn. He swallowed the last of his third whiskey.

"You'd better slow down, Commander. I know that's at least your third."

The voice was higher than her sister's in pitch, but just as distinctive. He tucked his chin to his chest, even as her blonde head ducked down to stay in his line of sight.

"It won't be my last tonight, Phoebe."

She ordered something fruity for herself and a coffee for him. He glared at her, even as her mouth curved into a familiar smirk. Apparently that look was hereditary.

"Chakotay, why are you drinking yourself into oblivion?" her voice was soft and friendly, not what he wanted to hear.

He turned the coffee mug around and around on the bar top. Breathing in the steam, the scent drew him through his own memories; memories of laughter, of tears, of triumph and failure, all held together by a woman of grace and this bitter beverage. He took a large swallow and relished the sting as the coffee burned his tongue. Phoebe was still waiting for an answer.

"It's complicated," he finally replied, blowing on the hot brew.

"Really?" There's that arched brow, just like… nevermind.

"Phoebe, I don't expect you to understand. Just leave me be, okay? I'm going to survive this night with copious amounts of alcohol, and then I'm going back to my very empty quarters and sleeping for a week."

Phoebe Janeway hopped up onto the bar stool next to him and leaned back against the hard top on her elbows. She could easily see his face, and her sister's across the room as she stood trapped against the staircase in conversation with the dignitaries. She finally got Chakotay's attention with her next words.

"You're an idiot."

He stared at her, giving her his full attention for the first time in their odd conversation.

"I know," she continued. "I know all about what happened. I know about Seven, I know about your horrid timing, and I know how you feel about Kathryn. I know."

"I don't need you to tell me that," he responded, anger tinging his voice. "I know I'm an idiot. And I know half the people in this room know all that too. I've managed to destroy just about everything that matters to me, so please, just let me deal with it myself, okay?"

"You're doing a pretty half ass job," she snorted into her drink.

"What's that supposed to mean, Phoebe?"

"You're so damn busy over here drowning yourself in your stupidity, you haven't been paying attention to anything," Phoebe said as she nodded her head toward the staircase. "She's waiting for you; hoping you will come rescue her from the stuffed shirts that currently have her pinned to the stairwell. You've avoided eye contact with her all night. Listen closely, Idiot, everyone has been watching her, but all night she hasn't stopped staring at you."

He finally turned from the bar and leaned his back against it next to Phoebe. Staring across the packed ballroom, he finally met her gaze. There was one overweight balding man pawing at her. Some ambassador from a planet he didn't care enough about to remember kept touching her shoulder, just below where a delicate curl of her chestnut hair had twisted out of her careful updo. She stared at him over the shoulder of an admiral as he tried to kiss her gloved hand. Her eyes were large and expressive, clearly reading "come get me."

"I always save her, Phoebe. But this time, she won't forgive me. I want more and she doesn't. If I go over there, pull her away, and she doesn't want me…" he let his words trail off.

"She wants you," Phoebe replied pushing him up off the bar. "It's always been you. You could transport into her room wearing nothing but one of these huge bows and she would be ecstatic. You've forgotten your power. She fell in love with her Maquis captain. So, remember him and go get her!"

Still he hesitated, tugging the collar of his tux down again. The black and white material seemed to choke him as he watched Kathryn bat another hand away. He had once prided himself on his courage and conviction. But matters of the heart still frightened him. He could turn into a child in a heartbeat. Kathryn was his best friend. He loved her, in ways he had never loved anyone. Fear of her rejection paralyzed him. He couldn't lose her, even if all she ever wanted from him was friendship, he was terrified to risk it. It was safer for him to keep quiet. Phoebe leaned in close.

"Her needs would come first," she whispered in his ear.

The memories washed over him again. The angry warrior… He was still that person. And she needed his protection right now. Turning slightly, he set the mostly empty coffee mug on the bar top and pushed away to walk directly toward her. The fastest route cut right through the center of the dance floor, and he felt dozens of eyes following him as he crossed the room. He let a scowl cover his features and nearly laughed out loud as people stepped easily out of his way while he made a beeline for the staircase. Placing his hands on the shoulders of two of the men surrounding her, he gently pushed them aside.

"Excuse me Gentlemen, I need a word with the Captain," he commanded, reaching for her gloved hand.

He grasped it tightly in his own and led her away as the suitors sputtered at his interruption. Placing his other hand on the warm skin of her lower back, he led them quickly toward one of the sets of doors leading to the balcony. Chakotay ushered her through and pulled the set of double doors closed behind him. Stepping up next to her in the darkened corner of the balcony, he gently laid his hands on her bare shoulders.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

She huffed a small laugh and wrapped her gloved hands around her stomach.

"I wanted to feel pretty tonight. I wanted to wear something other than my uniform for a change; remind myself that I'm still a woman under the layers of Starfleet. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea," Kathryn replied.

He couldn't help himself and lifted his right hand to her cheek to brush the loose curl behind her ear.

"You're beautiful, Kathryn. In a dress, or in a uniform, I never forgot you are a woman."

She pressed her cheek into his palm and closed her eyes, breathing in the scent of his cologne on the jacket. She enjoyed his touch for a moment before opening her eyes.

"That's true," she sighed as his hand dropped back to his side. "You always saw me, even when I hid."

"I've missed you."

The words tumbled out as his hand rose back up to capture hers. His thumb rubbed absently over her knuckles as he studied her face.

"Seems someone saw us leave and thought we deserved privacy," she said, nodding toward the double doors. They now were covered in the gold tapestry, blocking the couple from view in the party.

"That's probably your sister."

She pressed her gloved hand over his, trapping his warm fingers between her satin covered ones. His eyes darted away, but he didn't pull his hand from her grasp.

"If I asked you a question, would you be honest with me?" The hesitation in his voice was telling. She lifted one of her hands to his cheek to direct his eyes back to her.

"Of course. Anything."

He blew a long breath through pursed lips and gathered his shreds of courage.

"You mean more to me than anyone in that room," he whispered. "And I don't want to make a mistake, but…"

She moved her thumb along his jawline and tilted her head to the side.

"Phoebe… said some things to me. Some things I didn't expect her to know. How much of us… did you tell her?"

She twisted away from him for a moment, walking to the balcony edge. She laid her hands on the railing and looked out at the stars. Her position mirrored one of her favorites, standing at the viewport in the conference room during one of their more trying adventures. He took his customary place, just behind and to the left of her shoulder.

"I've been pretty alone, Chakotay. Not just since we got back, but even before. I think you know that. Phoebe was there for me to help work out some of the emotions I've been feeling. I've been dealing with a lot of confusing thoughts. I'm not quite sure who I am without Voyager. I'm not sure… who any of you are."

He decided to risk it, and lifted his hands to her bare shoulders. Her head dropped forward just a little, exposing her pale neck to the moonlight. His thumbs made gentle circles on the balls of her shoulder joints.

"I'm still me. And I know who you are, Kathryn," Chakotay replied.

"Do you?" she whispered back. "How can you know Kathryn when I can barely remember her?"

"I met her once, on a planet about 67,000 light years from here. I built her a bathtub and she managed to burn water…"

She half laughed, half sobbed, at the mention of their time together in the idyllic Eden.

"I told Phoebe that, too. She knows most of what happened to us there. It's one of the few things about our lives that isn't partially classified," Kathryn replied.

He wanted to jump on that, but he wasn't ready to let her drop the previous topic about who she was now as a person. He tucked her back against his chest slightly, but kept his hands on her shoulders.

"I can help remind you about Kathryn. She's a coffee addict first of all. She's incredibly compassionate and can engender the loyalty of a… mismatched group of rebels. She's brave and courageous. She moulded a crew of new recruits into a well oiled machine. She managed to give me back a peace I haven't had since I was a child. And she looks incredibly beautiful tonight in that black dress. She captured the room."

She turned to rest her back against the railing. Her hands now rested on his upper arms as his settled on her trim waist. Her blue eyes shimmered in the moonlight.

"How do you do that?"

She lifted one palm around his neck and touched her forehead to his. She watched his eyes darken and felt his breathing quicken.

"Do what?" he breathed.

"Know exactly what to say."

His dimples appeared briefly. "There were plenty of times I didn't. Plenty of times I said and did the wrong thing. Times that I hurt you."

Her eyes locked with his and a single tear ran down her cheek. "We were both good at that. Honesty with each other has never been a strong suit for either of us."

Kathryn lifted her other hand to place it against his cheek once more.

"Be honest with me now…" she whispered. Her eyes darted from his eyes down to his lips and back again. For a long heartbeat, they breathed the same air. Her expression was open and unguarded, exposing whatever he wanted to see.

"I want to kiss you," he finally replied, studying her reaction. A bright smile broke across her features.

"What have you been waiting for?"

Almost before the words left her mouth, his lips crashed onto hers. He cradled her head to him, careful of the pins holding her hair up. Kathryn wrapped both arms around his shoulders, clawing at him even through the gloves. His hands tugged her flush against him. He drank greedily from her, until lack of oxygen made her dizzy. Pulling away slightly, she rested her forehead against his chest. He tucked her head under his chin and his voice ruffled her hair.

"Wow…"

Kathryn pressed her lips to his neck and his pulse jumped in response. She worked her way up to whisper in his ear.

"We have a lot to talk about. But not here. Join me?"

He pulled back slightly to judge her expression.

"Join you where?" he replied.

Her eyebrow rose delicately just before she smirked.

"Ultimately, breakfast," Kathryn laughed.

"You're not wasting any time, are you?" he coughed.

"I'm done wasting time. I'm done hiding who I am and what I want. I want you. You wanted honesty, and you've got it. I want you," her voice wavered for just a moment. "I love you."

Chakotay pulled her into another tight embrace, his mouth moving overs hers in a promise of the yet to come. Pulling away just a little, he peppered small kisses along her cheeks and on each eyelid.

"I love you, Kathryn. And breakfast would be perfect."

Taking her hand once more, he led her toward the end of the balcony, and the staircase leading away from the ballroom and out to the gardens. He'd have to remember to thank Phoebe later. But for now, he had other plans


End file.
